Sunday, March 28, 2010

i'm losing my sanity........

I am ready to scream…. again. Whenever I have my own home, I am making sure that my bathroom is nicely decorated and spacious. Maybe I will get to have the toilet in a room of its own and have the sink and shower in another. I’m talking extra privacy!! All I do is live in the darn bathroom.
I got a phone call from my GI doctor Wednesday telling me to come on to the office. We talked about what I was experiencing. He believed that the flora in my stomach had been flipped, possibly from a dose of an antibiotic for a sinus infection. He told me to continue to work on the liquid diet with the help of some Imodium. I am also taking Bentyl for the cramping. If I am still having trouble keeping my liquids and mashed potatoes in, I am to take a round of Flagyl and give him a call back.
I did however have a meltdown in my cube Friday. I ate ten crackers and I paid. I felt that bad feeling and there came the cramping. I couldn’t handle it. I am tried of going to the freaking bathroom, especially at work!!!!!! If I lose my job, I am blaming my Gastroparesis. I have no energy. I feel as if everything is out of control. I am twenty-two years old for crying out loud. My doctor went to tell me that my immune system is more susceptible to illness; I’m talking ten times more susceptible! I was planning on going back to school this summer to become an EMT. I saw that dream fly out the window. I had previous worked as a licensed pharmacy tech, but that is also out now. I have always kept my license up for a backup plan. If a sinus infection made me sick and required me to take antibiotics, what would the flu or a stomach virus do? I got my hair colored yesterday and it was brought to my attention that my hair is thinner than the last time. Isn’t that fantastic? All I know is I am extremely moody, I can’t keep anything in me, I’m losing weight and I’m exhausted by ten thirty in the morning. My Gastroparesis is beating the fool out of me.

Friday, March 19, 2010

food & liquids vs. me

You know the saying “You are never given more than you can handle”? I have questioned that saying this past week. I have only gone one day without losing my meals multiple times. I am now on a lovely liquid diet. I am back to craving crazy foods that are not healthy or good for you. Take the marshmallow Peeps for example. I want a yellow chick Peep, not blue or pink but a yellow. I also started craving pimento cheese on crackers. I never eat things like that but that’s what I want.
The whole ordeal started last a week ago Thursday. I did everything that I usually do. I backed down off the foods, considering I eat about four types. I kept it as simple as possible. By Tuesday, it was horrible. I needed some advice from my doctor. They said to go to a liquid diet and call back in a few days. Wednesday, I was sitting at my cube working and here came that feeling. The feeling of I’m about to be sick again and I don’t know if I can do this today. I am the type I will try my best to refuse to get sick. It has been waking me up at night and I will lay there and refuse to get up to go to the bathroom. It works for a short time and it always catches up with me. I am just stubborn. On Thursday, I was so sick at work, I stayed late because I could not stay out of the bathroom long enough to be able to make the commute home.
I decided to call my doctor’s office back because I’m tired of feeling like my arms and legs are like Jell-O and I can’t keep any liquids in me. If I drink liquids, I’m going to be sick. This landed me a trip to the ER to get fluids. All I learned was that it was not normal for me to be losing liquids like this and I need to call my doctor on Monday. They mentioned that I needed to eat food. All I have to say is “No Comment”. It is never dull is Gastroparesis. It is going to be another weekend of staying at home but that’s okay. It could be ten times worse and it will get better.

Monday, March 8, 2010

not what i signed up for...

This is hard. I am twenty-two years old soon to be twenty-three and I am exhausted. I know there are people with my condition who much worse than I am, I get that. I am not looking for a cure. I just want to be able to sit down and eat a meal with Jacob and not feel like crap by the time we home. This meal would not consist of rice or “naked noodles”. I am getting tired of rice and baked potatoes. I eat four things; rice, baked potatoes, noodles and bread. I was eating oatmeal last week but that didn’t work out to well.

I went grocery shopping Friday and that was almost depressing. It use to not bother me but this time it was a constant reminder through the store. “Jennifer, you have Gastroparesis and you can not eat the majority of the food in this store.” It was horrible. I spent thirty-five dollars on carbs and G2 Gatorade.

I feel like I am waiting on life. My Domperidone hasn’t arrived and I want to start the medication. If the medication doesn’t work I will be out of medication options and the pacemaker will be my next medical option. I want the pacemaker even though there is only a fifty percent chance of it helping me. I really have weighed my options and I’m ready to take that chance. For example, the past two days I have lost my breakfast within a half an hour of eating it. I feel like crap after that.

Another thing that really… annoys me (I’m trying to be as polite as I can be at the moment) is when people say “I’m so sick of eating vegetables.” I could reach through the phone over that. I eat peas but they are a starch. One that gets me even better is when I hear “I’m sick of eating.” Are you kidding me? Nothing is wrong with their GI tract!! This past year, I have on three liquid diet periods. I know people who are on liquids 24/7. People take eating for advantage.

I’m just frustrated and I’m having a pity party. Tomorrow will be better.